Love fuel

"If I had a superpower, it would be spite. I have naturally heightened motivation during states of resistance. I'm not proud of this. I don't think this is the best way to develop an attribute or idea. It is just one of those things that I notice about myself that sometimes makes me cringe — even if it's a quality that has helped me thus far. Only being able to do something by activating the contrarian in me is - how the kids might say - "low frequency." I find this habit of needing opposition bites me when the spite runs dry, especially when venturing into unknown territory of my capability. But this is how l've been trained. I have learned to wait until something is heavy and in need of resistance to push, and then to go until I hurt it, or myself in the process. There has to be a better way, even if I have to use spite to rid myself of my spite" -Mark Twight-

I used to be fueled by rage. I looked in the mirror and I wanted to bleed. I told myself I was angry at the world, at the things that had happened to me, that I had lived through and experienced. I was angry at those who wronged me, at my failures, at my losses. I was convinced that this was the fuel I needed to become my better self. That this dark energy would drive me to depths no man would go. I often found myself in the gym at 1am with my head in my hands or on a run from midnight till sunrise, eyes red with tears the entire time. I was broken, but I was gonna tough guy my way through life and fix my shit. So I said at least.

The problem was, my life was not changing, not for the better anyway. I woke up day after day with the same rage, the same anger, the same burning inside of me and the same wide reaching sadness. My problems were worse, my relationships crumbled faster and more dramatically, my connection to my friends and family deteriorated, my love tank for all things in life was running dry. All the dark paths I was attempting to make my way down, were still there, I was simply more tired while navigating them. This was supposed to get better. The hard work I was putting in was supposed to heal wounds, give me new perspectives on life, make me a higher version of myself. It was not.

The problem, was that every day I stood in front of the mirror looking down at my hands, reflecting on the time they’d spent clinched in a fist, instead of looking into my own eyes to see what I could become, if I left those hands relax. I led with hate and rage and anger in everything I did and it nearly destroyed me. I was so consumed with the little dark clouds that hovered over my head that I totally lost sight of all the light around me.

Tomyhoi Peak

I took the photo above on the summit of Tomyhoi peak on the outskirts of the North Cascades. I had just moved to Bellingham, WA from Oregon in search of a fresh start. The initial excitement of the move had faded and the dark clouds began to roll back into my mind. I was furious. A clean slate in a new city where I knew nobody and could be anything HAD to be the solution. But here I stood, watching the most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen, still very angry, and very sad. In that moment, I realized that not every problem has a geographical solution. I needed to not only look inward, but also all around me, and for once, love. Because how, when completely alone on a mountaintop, surrounded by a fiery sunrise that few will ever get to experience, could I choose anything else but love for this life. In that moment, I truly felt my soul warm. My perspective shifted.

In that instant, I had a clarity about how temporary this all is, and what a shameful waste it is to exist with anything except love leading the way.

In 100 years, we will all be buried with our friends and family.

Strangers will live in your house.

Everything you own will be discarded, destroyed or given away.

In 200 years, your name will cease to be mentioned by any human on earth.

The shape of your face will be forgotten. The sound of your voice will be completely gone and never heard again.

In 300 years, there is no trace you have ever existed. None of your lived life, your mistakes, your anger, your hate, your rage will be remembered.

And the beauty of this fact, that you are temporary and will be forgotten, is that you are free to live with love for life and all things in it, unconditionally, for all of your time on this earth.

When I’m running, I often let my hands drop to my sides on the trail and brush the leaves, the trees and the environment that surrounds, to be a part of the space I inhabit. I imagine a few tiny bits of me being left on the plants I run my fingers through, which are then blown through the woods and the mountains on a journey that touches the far ends of the earth, and in that, I feel connected to the planet on which I reside in its entirety.

That connection makes me feel part of something larger than just my small bubble of day to day experience, and that feeling increases my capacity to love beyond what my eyes can see.

I decided in that moment to make a change. Instead of approaching every day with fury, I would live fueled by love. I would be aggressive with my gratitude for the world around me. Every sunrise, sunset, every step I took, every trail I navigated, every conversation I had, every single little detail of my day, I recognized “I get to experience this”. I accepted that I am a conscious collection of stardust impossibly organized and existing in a minuscule sliver of time and that any bit of my life spent stuck in the shadows of sorrow was an utter waste.

The next day, I booked a fight to meet my now wife for the first time. I started writing. I started training in a way that made me feel whole, not in a way that felt like a job. I spent time every day talking to my family, with my dog, with my thoughts, with anything and everything I could connect to. I stopped getting pissy if the line at the grocery store was too long or if traffic was moving too slow. I exhaled, I smiled and I let myself….be.

Most importantly, I learned to love the me that existed in past seasons of life. I accepted responsibility for the lived events that had early in this writing, been cast as the result of outside forces and others which I used as a source of misguided and disingenious rage. When I recognized my own role in the creation of the darkness I attempted to use as fuel for life, I was able to forgive myself, accept myself and love myself deeper and escape the shadows.

It’s a simple concept and one you didn’t need to read this to recognize, but it’s rarely put into practice, so its worth saying out loud. The world is filled with hate and anger. Take control of your relationship with the life around you, and the life inside of you, or outside forces will. And that never leads to fulfillment.

Onward, Always.